My students know I live with my best friend, Gabriele (or Ms. Miller to them). In fact, I usually share this fact with them during the first week of school. We’ve been living together for six years, we sometimes go on vacation together, and I’ve pretty much been adopted into her family. If my students ask me what I did over the weekend, my stories almost always start out with, “Gabriele and I…” or “Gabriele, our friends, and I…” She’s also the reason my school now has an Anime Club (run by me) because she got me hooked on it. Gabriele is an integral part of my life (probably one of my strongest platonic relationships), so it’s logical for me to tell my students about her.
Source: Freepik
Right away, the kids usually snicker, and one or two is brave enough to ask me if we’re dating. When I explain that no, we’re not, they get so confused. Whenever I ask them to elaborate on their confusion, I always get some variation of this answer: To them, living together automatically equates to a romantic/sexual relationship. They truly do not understand how I can live with my best friend as an adult.
Let’s reflect on this for a second.
Society is constantly sending us messages about what is considered “normal.” It’s normal to get married and have kids. Sex is a normal part of a relationship. It’s normal to eventually live with your romantic/sexual partner.
I identify as aromantic/asexual flux. For me, this means that I do not ever experience sexual attraction, and there are times in my life (right now, for instance) where I do not experience romantic attraction either. By society’s standards, I am not “normal” at all. Because of this, I spent most of my adolescent life feeling like I was broken and that something was wrong with me. I was constantly told that I would never find someone who wasn’t interested in physical intimacy. My platonic friendships were never valued as much as the romantic/sexual ones I never wanted.
It is estimated that 1% of the world population identifies somewhere on the aromantic/asexual spectrums. If you look at our current world population (7.53 billion), that’s at least 75 million people! And that’s just an estimate; the actual number is probably higher because many people still don’t even know those identities even exist (they’re not called “invisible orientations” for nothing). That’s a whole lot of people who develop relationships in ways that seem unconventional by society’s standards.
It also doesn’t help that the media reinforces these standards. More than 2/3 of the content in television is sexual in nature, but portrayals/discussions of safe, consentual sex are rare. In a study that examined over 1,000 top 40 songs from 1960-2010, it was revealed that sexual and romantic themes dominated the charts. In fact, the amount of sexually explicit lyrics has actually risen since 1960. Did you know that 27% of video games (rated T and up) contain sexual themes? These are all forms of media are students are exposed to every single day.
Many of these portrayed relationships also tend to be heterosexual. While there has been more LGBTQ+ representation, especially in TV (8.8% of 857 series regular broadcasts had LGBTQ+ representation), most of these relationships are still stuck in old stereotypes/binaries. Asexual and aromantic representation is also extremely rare. Todd Chavez from BoJack Horseman is probably one of the most prominent, confirmed asexual characters on TV right now. Jughead Jones from the Archie comics is canonically aro/ace, but Riverdale erased his character’s asexuality on the show. We deserve better representation.
I tried to find statistics and data about platonic relationships in media, but I couldn’t. That doesn’t mean platonic relationships in media don’t exist. However, I would argue that there are not nearly as many forms of media where platonic relationships are the sole focus/theme. Plus, when there is a friendship, it tends to eventually turn into a romance (because guys/girls/people can’t just be friends, apparently).
Let’s zoom in a little bit on the school environment. Whether we realize it or not, we are unconsciously sending our students messages about societal “norms.” Think about the texts students read...how often is romance a driving force in the plot? How many teachers do you know that sit students next to each other because “they’d be cute together” or “they’re totally crushing on each other”? We often make observations about students who are dating, but when do we put that same attention on student friendships? Sidenote: We really should stop trying to set students up. It’s not appropriate and forces students into a box (that tends to be entrenched in the gender binary).
It’s interesting because in elementary school, there is such a focus on building positive relationships and friendships. Why do these lessons need to disappear in middle and high school? When are we teaching students how to really develop and maintain platonic relationships? They require work and emotional energy just like romantic/sexual relationships do (albeit in slightly different ways).
I think we are doing our students a massive disservice when we leave platonic relationships out of the conversation. First of all, students need to understand that platonic relationships hold just as much value as sexual/romantic ones (check out this incredible story about a platonic relationship). They also deserve to know that only wanting platonic relationships is okay and valid.
Teaching Students to Value Platonic Relationships
Below are some ideas and suggestions on how to talk to students about friendships and platonic relationships. I want to give a massive shoutout to Mx. Tooley for their help in finding these articles and lessons.
Talk to students about friendship.
Students should understand what it means to be a friend and how they can make/keep friends.
Resource: Teaching Tolerance lesson → Friendship Without Barriers
Discuss diversity in friendships.
It is important that students understand they can learn so much from those who are different from them. Diversity is extremely valuable in friendship.
Resources: Teaching Tolerance learning/lesson plans → Friendships in Diversity, Our Groups of Friends
Examine cliques.
Cliques are found in every school. However, students can miss out on valuable friendships when they limit themselves to these cliques. It’s important for students to form relationships across these groups.
Resource: Teaching Tolerance lesson → Cliques in Schools
Discuss gender stereotypes and gender representation in the media.
Part of the problem with our view of platonic relationships is how stereotyped gender is in the media. Students should learn to observe these interactions with a critical eye and work to dismantle their own ideas about what gender and friendships “should” look like.
Resources: Teaching Tolerance lessons → What are Gender Stereotypes?, Gender Representation in the Media
Make sure students understand the difference between romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships.
Students should understand the difference between these three relationships. You can also take time to discuss healthy boundaries within each of these types of relationships.
Resource: Advocates for Youth lesson → More Than Friends: Understanding Romantic Relationships
Ensure that aromantic/asexual identities are part of the discussion.
We often talk about LGBT identities, but the QIAA+ ones tend to be ignored. Understanding the vocabulary is so critical because students may realize they relate to these terms.
Resource: GLAAD Explore the Spectrum
I encourage you to look for more resources/texts/examples that show platonic relationships. Let’s start shifting the mindset that only romantic/sexual relationships are valuable