A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the HR office at the Board of Education, discussing my transition plan for this upcoming school year. The meeting was going super well, and we were just about finished the discussion. The last item on the list: pronouns.
“Can you explain they/them pronouns to me?” an HR person asked. “I’m just so used to thinking of it as a plural and not a singular.”
The truth is, she’s not the first person I’ve encountered who’s said the exact same thing. Whenever I explain that I use they/them pronouns, people always push back with the idea that they is meant to be plural. While it’s typically seen as a plural pronoun, it can be used as a singular and has been for hundreds of years.
The singular use of they has existed in written text since 1375, when the medieval poem William the Werewolf was published. The English translation reads: “Each man hurried . . . till they drew near . . . where William and his darling were lying together.” In this example, each man is singular, therefore, they is singular since it refers back to man. Spoken language was still a main form of communication during this time (printing wasn’t done in mass production until the mid-1400’s), so chances are singular they was also used in oral communication well before William and the Werewolf came out.
Society tends to think of the world in terms of the gender binary (male and female). To identify as non-binary means to identify as neither male or female. There are some nuiances to identifying as non-binary, but that is the general definition. Many who identify as non-binary use they/them pronouns since they don’t prescribe to the gender binary.
But why did singular they fall out of style? Apparently, in the 18th century, “grammarians began warning that singular they was an error because a plural pronouns can’t take a singular antecedent.” This is pretty hypocritical since you has been used as a plural pronoun--though more commonly used as a singular--literally just as long and is still used as such today.
Let’s go back to my HR meeting. I always use this example because it’s one most people have probably said themselves:
“So we actually use singular they all the time. Let’s say you’re at a restaurant and someone leaves car keys on the table. You’d say, ‘Someone left their keys here’ because you don’t know their gender.”
At this point in the meeting, my union rep started laughing. “Oh my god!” he practically gasped. “I do that all the time!”
I love the moment after I give this explanation because about 95% of the time, I can literally see the lightbulb going off above people’s heads. We don’t realize we use singular they because we never really think about it (or have to think about it). But, once we do, we realize it’s more commonplace than we thought.
So, the argument that they is not a valid pronoun for those who identify as non-binary is quite non-existant. It’s been used as a singular throughout history, and we still use it today. I know it can take some time to get used to, but it’s important to remember that practice makes perfect.
Tips for Using Singular They/Them:
Understand How it Translates:
They replaces he/she
He/She has a dog named Thor. → They have a dog named Thor.
Them replaces him/her
That book belongs to her/him. → That book belongs to them.
Their(s) replaces his/her(s)
Wonder Woman is his/her favorite superhero. → Wonder Woman is their favorite superhero.
Think About How it Sounds:
As with many aspects of grammar, if you’re not using the correct form, it will sound/look a little off. For example, it can be really easy to get tripped up when replacing hers or her. Say the following sentences out loud and listen to what happens when you use the wrong form of they.
That book belongs to her. → That book belongs to their.
That book is hers. → That book is thems.
Sounds a bit off, right?
Practice, Practice, Practice:
Pick a pillow, stuffed animal, or other inanimate object. Whenever you refer to it, use they/them pronouns. Make it a point to refer to it often so you can practice more. If you mess up, correct yourself and repeat the sentence. As you use they/them more, it becomes easier to replace the different forms of he/she.
I hope this information is helpful for you! What other questions do you have about they/them pronouns? Feel free to leave a comment and let me know!